Sunday, September 18, 2016
“Maybe if I walk backwards.” Carp says turning around to face the road already traveled.
“What are you doing?” Tinkletoes asks.
“The cat and the lioness came from behind. What if there's more and it's on its way?”
“Okay.” Tinkletoes says continuing his hike. The self-proclaimed mercenary sees something ahead, processes what he sees and smiles. “The interesting stuff is in front of you.”
Carp turns around, there is a sharp intake of breath. The assassin in training stops and stares. “It's an antelope, blocking the road.” Carp says looking at Tinkletoes. “And he's meditating.”
Spots Wash watches the space recently abandoned by their target's unknown ally. The sound of their footsteps grow fainter and disappear into the darkened trees.
“Should we split up?” He asks.
“No.” Smudge Mal says. “We follow Monitor Man.”
“What about the other guy?”
“We stick to the mission.”
“What if the other guy comes along and saves Monitor Man?”
“What if he can?”
“We are Browncoats.” Smudge Mal says looking at his brother. “We took the job. We finish the job. That's it.”
Spots Wash walks around Smudge Mal in a circle, thumping his tail behind him as he walks.
“I'm older and what I say goes.” Smudge Mal says. “So don't challenge me on this. You won't win.”
“If we don't do something about the other one you won't win either.”
“Don't worry lil' brother. I have already made adjustments to the plan. I have already made adjustments.”
“Psst. Psst. Psst!” Writer Lady whispers from a few feet behind Monitor Man.
“What?” Monitor Man whispers.
“Do you see anything?”
“No. I don't think that it worked. What are you doing back? You've only been gone for a few minutes.”
Writer Lady continues closing the distance between them. “You said, 'Walk over there.' ” She says gesturing with a nod of her head.
“Was I a little bit short with the instructions?” Monitor Man asks.
Monitor Man attempts to explain his instructions.
Monitor Man looks at Writer Lady.
“I heard something.”
“You heard something?”
“Didn't you?” She asks.
He listens more closely then shakes his head. “I hear nothing.”
“You can't hear that?”
He shakes his head.
Writer Lady looks at Monitor Man, “When you get back home you might want to get your ears checked.” Writer Lady turns her head and listens again. “It's getting closer.” She whispers and slips off towards the phantom sound.
“I'm getting a dog whistle. How about that for a hearing test?”
Writer Lady turns around, “What? Why?”
“It's a gift? My friend just bought his first dog.” He answers weakly.
“Oh. Why are you thinking about that now?” She asks with a puzzled look.
“I don't know.” Monitor Man says. “It just popped in there.” He elaborates gesturing to his head.
Writer Lady looks at him for minute and continues her pursuit.
“I'm getting a dog whistle and she might want to get her head examined.”
“I heard that!”
“You have a useful, yet dangerous talent.” Monitor Man says quietly as he watches Writer Lady make her way deeper into the jungle.
“Hi.” Carp says as he stops in front of the antelope.
“What are you doing?” Carp asks the antelope who is sitting cross legged in the middle of the road.
“Relaxing.” The antelope says without opening its eyes, “I find that traveling these roads keeps me on edge.”
Carp looks at Tinkletoes. Tinkletoes looks at the antelope. “Why?” He asks. “Is it dangerous? It doesn't look dangerous.”
The antelope opens one eye and studies Tinkletoes for a moment. “No.” He says. “I find them to be very...busy.”
Both men look at the empty road, the open meadow, all of the wildflowers.
“Where?” Tinkletoes asks.
“Just wait.” The antelope says. “You'll see.”
After several awkward moments Tinkletoes takes over.
“So, you been here long?” Tinkletoes asks.
The antelope opens one eye, then both. “I just arrived, although I have lived here forever.”
Tinkletoes leans in and whispers to Carp without taking his eyes off of the antelope, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“I think it means that we are in another dimension.”
“This is Faerie. Time does not exist here the way that it does in our world.” The antelope looks at Tinkletoes and Carp with amusement. “Don't tell me that you traveled to another dimension without knowing the most basic details.” He smiles. “That would be like going from a city to a tiny jungle village without knowing that the occupants are cannibals. Neither of you know about Faerie? Isn't this going to be interesting.” The antelope rises from his seated position to stand on his hind legs. “And to think...I almost decided to stay in today.” He leans in closer, gently sniffing at the two newcomers. “Visitors to On-Ramp. From America. The central region? No. I know that smell.” He sniffs again. “The Midwest.” The antelope announces looking at the two men expectantly.
Tinkletoes looks at Carp. Carp looks at the antelope and nods.
“My name is Buck. Black Buck. It's nice to meet you.” He says offering a hoof.
Monday, September 5, 2016
“Where's Writer Lady?” Tinkletoes asks.
“You're not going?” Dylan asks looking up at Tinkletoes.
“Now way man.” Ray says.
“This is so typical.” House groans.
“They're her cats.” Tinkletoes says.
“Dobby's your friend.” House points out.
“I'm going.” Tinkletoes says. “She should be there.”
“I think we should go.” Carp says.
Tinkletoes looks at Carp. “You just want to go so you can see stuff.”
“It is Faerie.” Carp says. “We have survival skills.”
“I have survival skills.” Tinkletoes counters. “You have camping skills.”
“Whatever. Let's go.”
“And Writer Lady?”
“Everyone else can look for her while we're gone.” Carp says looking around the room. There are nods of agreement.
“I'm the cat.” Ray says grinning. “Dudes...she likes cats.”
Carp makes a confused face and thinks about making an effort to catch the train of thought as it travels through Ray's head.
“No.” Tinkletoes says to Carp. “Don't get on the Ray train, you'll blow a gasket.”
“Good point.” Carp agrees.
The self-proclaimed mercenary turns his attention to House. “Tell us more about this on ramp of yours.”
“What do you want to know?”
“This isn't Twenty Questions.” Tinkletoes glares at House, then at Carp. “Get the intell.”
“Let's start with the basics. How do we get there?” Carp asks.
“Really? How do you think you get there, Mo-ron.”
“House, darling, not everyone knows how Faerie works.” Mural Man says. “Even if they do know about Faerie your story has not been added to Lore.”
“Fine.” She sighs. “TP made me a gatekeeper to the on-ramp he created.”
“So?” Tinkletoes says.
“I can get you to the on ramp in whatever way I choose. You can walk through the pantry, flush yourself down the toilet...”
“Or simply walk through a door that you enchanted...” Carp suggests.
“Let's go.” Tinkletoes says.
“I'll go get my gear and we'll be on our way.”
“I'm already packed.” Tinkletoes says reaching for the front door knob.
“We need a tent, rations, a change of clothes...”
“No we don't. Let's go.”
“We don't know how long we'll be gone.”
Carp looks at Tinkletoes.
“We're picking up cats and finding Monitor Man. It's easy. Hike down the on-ramp, herd em' up, and move em' out.”
“You do realize that you are talking about herding cats.” Carp points out.
“Go get your stuff.” Tinkletoes says. “We leave in five minutes.”
Spots follows Smudge into the darkened canopy of trees. Both kittens are on full alert, eyes wide, ears perked, noses sniffing. They stop a few feet inside to listen and get their bearings. Smudge hears the rustling first. Spots hears the second rustle and catches a glimpse of the lower edge of a shoe.
“Smudge. Over here!”
“What?” Smudge Mal whispers.
“I saw him.” Spots Wash responds.
“No you didn't.”
“Yes I did.”
“You couldn't have seen him.”
“I'm lookin' at him.”
Spots makes his way through the mud to where his brother is crouched.
“Look closely. You can just make out the target on Monitor Man's chest.”
“I saw a shoe.” Spots says.
“What kind of a shoe?”
“I don't know. A shoe.” Spots Wash offers.
Smudge Mal looks at Spots Wash. “What kind?”
There is more rustling coming from Monitor Man's direction, the two kittens watch as he moves further into the jungle. Both get a good look at his feet.
“Monitor Man is wearing boots.”
“I didn't see boots before.” Spots Wash says.
“This hunt just got more interesting lil brother. Our target has a friend.”
Five minutes later, as promised, Tinkletoes stands in the middle of the bonus room, “What now?” He asks.
“Stand in front of the window.” House answers impatiently.
“Which window?” Carp asks, he's wearing his fatigues and is loaded down with gear.
“The one to your left.” Mural Man answers.
Carp turns right and faces the window.
“Your other left.” House says.
Carp turns to face the window that Tinkletoes is already facing.
“Hurry up.” Tinkletoes says.
“Remember.” House says, slowly. “I am opening the door not only to another place but another dimension. If you wouldn't mind showing some patience.”
“I have patience. This is a rescue mission. Everything should already be in order.” Tinkletoes points out.
“Look GI Joe, I'm in charge here. Get over yourself.”
Tinkletoes' jaw clenches, an eyebrow goes up, and he starts the looking around the room for her mural.
Carp looks at Mural Man, “We'll be sure to do that.” He says. Facing the window, waiting, and muttering, “Come on. Open. Please.”
The floor moves in one sharp jolt. Beginning at the lower left, a narrow stream of light is seen moving between the edge of the wall and the frame of the window. The stream of light outlines a large bridge.
“What's that sound?” Carp asks.
“A zipper. Opening the door is like opening a zipper for her.” Tinkletoes says. He mutters, “Vain, self-important...” The self-proclaimed mercenary looks for another word, not finding one he looks around the room and says, “woman.”
Stopping at the far end of the opening, the bridge lowers to the ground outside. Both men exit avoiding the window because windows cost money and Tinkletoes isn't paying for that. Writer Lady's backyard disappears and as they take their first steps onto the on-ramp a meadow appears before them, thick with tall green grasses and wildflowers.
Carp thinks of something, he turns around, looks into the house, and calls, “How do we get back...home?”
“How you think you get back inside a building Doofus? Knock on the door.” House answers with an exasperated sigh.
Tinkletoes shakes his head and keeps moving. He looks around, paying close attention to the sky as well as the ground. “Nothing unusual yet. It's about noon.” He points out looking up at the sky. Looking at Carp, he says, “We have plenty of time.”
Carp follows closely. A quarter mile into the meadow both men hear what sounds like chains turning a drawbridge going up.
“Sound effects.” Tinkletoes says. “It's too late to fool us. Women.”
Carp looks at Tinkletoes.
“That's it?” Carp asks. “We're already in Faerie?”
“The door blends in. How are we going to know where to knock?”
A sign slowly appears that reads: HOUSE.
“Oh.” Carp says.
Both men turn away from the door and continue forward.
“Not bad. Not bad at all.” Tinkletoes says.
“The grassy meadow isn't enough?”
“I was hoping to see an elf. Maybe an ogre.”
“No dragons?” Tinkletoes asks grinning.
“The two dragons that we know are enough. Thank you.”
“I'm looking for two things.” Tinkletoes announces. “Monitor Man and the cats.”
The meadow leads onto a worn path that becomes a lane and eventually a dirt road.
“It's so empty.” Carp points out.
“This is the part of Faerie that is accessed through House.” Tinkletoes says, looking at Carp. “Not much traffic.”
“Why did TP put it here?'”
“No telling. It's TP. Watch out for grenades and traps. Cause...TP.”
“Do you think that he might have set a trap for Monitor Man?”
“TP?” Tinkletoes thinks for a minute, "if he did there's more to it than that.”
A cat passes the two men. No, not one of the ones that they are looking for. The cat proceeds up the road at a quickened pace.
“There ya go.” Tinkletoes says. “You saw something.”
“Something I don't see every day.” Carp says.
The cat calls behind it, “Mom. Mom!”
Tinkletoes and Carp hear the response come from behind them.
A lioness passes them calling to her charge. “I'm coming. You know it's not nice to run away from Mommy like that.”
“Sorry Mom.” The cat says.
“A domestic cat and a wild cat having a mother and son talk. There's something you don't see everyday.” Tinkletoes says grinning.
Carp stands open-mouthed not uttering a sound.
Tinkletoes looks around. “This is shaping up to be a beautiful day.” He says and continues walking.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
“What did you do this time?” Writer Lady asks.
“Nothing.” Monitor Man says.
“Then why am I walking through a jungle, looking for snakes, and pushing away branches?” Writer Lady asks.
“Wait.” Monitor Man says.
Writer Lady stops walking. He keeps walking, passes her, and takes the lead protecting her against snakes and renegade branches.
“I don't know what happened.” He says. “One minute Tinkletoes and I were looking for Dobby and the next...”
“Your ass is mine.” She says speeding up to fall into step next to Monitor Man. “Your ass is distracting.”
“Checking things out?” He asks with a grin.
“It's right there in front of me. It's practically talking to me.” The visual image lingers. “You were saying...” She says prompting Monitor Man to continue his story.
“One minute I was talking to Tinkletoes and the next I was here, in these clothes, getting drenched.”
“You sure pissed someone off.”
“I don't know who that might be.” Monitor Man says, pushing his soaking hair away from his eyes. He does it again and a third time.
“I can't see anything with this wet hair. How do I look?”
Writer Lady smiles. “Like a drowned rat.” She says.
He makes a face.
“We're in a jungle, standing in the pouring rain, does it matter?”
Monitor Man begins to answer, Writer Lady covers his mouth with her hand. She puts a finger to her lips indicating a need for silence. “Did you hear that?” She asks.
Monitor Man's eyes shift from left to right. “I can hear a lot of things right now. Could you be more specific?” He whispers.
“Something unusual.” She says.
“It's a jungle. Do you live in a jungle?”
Writer Lady looks at Monitor Man without saying a word.
“You do. Sort of. But not one like this.”
“It's all new to me.” Writer Lady whispers. “That doesn't matter because something is headed this way.” She stops talking and listens. “It has four feet. No six. Eight?”
“Or whatever it is, it's four footed and there are two of them.” Monitor Man suggests.
“That's not good.”
The sound of the kittens' footfalls meet with the ground in time to chase music. Because...action sequence...where have you been? The two Grittiest of Gritty Browncoat Kitties run with an energy that they have never had. New sights, sounds, and smells fill their senses. Beckoning them deeper into the unknown. Making their way into a clearing, the kittens stop where Monitor Man landed only moments before. Smudge Mal inspects the mud in front of him. “He was here." He says. Although rain is pouring, the kittens remain dry thanks to their enchanted hats, thick gloves, and heavy brown dusters. “Tracks head this way.” Smudge Mal announces with a nod.
“We're gonna get him.” Spots Wash says holding up a super capacity water gun.
“What do you think you're gonna do with that?” Smudge Mal asks.
“Force a surrender. Nobody likes getting wet.”
Smudge Mal holds both paws out, watching as water dances off of his gloves. “He's already wet.”
Spots Wash's smile fades and then returns. He raises the water gun and blasts a round into Smudge Mal's face watching as his older brother frowns.
“Did you like that?” Spots Wash asks.
“Does it look like I liked it?”
“I rest my case.”
“We are bounty hunting through a rain forest. Monitor Man is our prey. Find something a little bit more...,” Smudge Mal thinks for a minute, “...huntery, okay?”
Spots Wash nods and holsters his weapon inside his coat. He opens the coat from the opposite side revealing a crossbow with sponge darts.
Smudge Mal looks at Spots Wash. Before Smudge Mal can protest a sponge dart hits him between the eyes.
“Hurts right?” Spots asks.
“Monitor Man?” Tinkletoes calls. He uses a regular tone at first that grows louder with each unanswered call.
“My bridge has been breached!” House's scream leads the self-proclaimed mercenary back to the living room hoping that this is just one of TP's antics.
“Is that what you two are calling it?" Tinkletoes asks as he enters the living room.
Carp, Dylan, Ray, Mural Man, and TP are already in the room.
“You have that mixed up. They call that...” Ray begins only to be interrupted by a tug on his pant leg.
Dylan looks up and shakes his head, “Furnatche's here. He's too little.” Everyone looks down to see Furnatche curled up by Dylan's feet.
“She is talking about her bridge.” Mural Man corrects.
“House is a house. Houses don't have a bridge.” Tinkletoes points out.
“Castles do.” TP says.
“Yuh—huh.” Dylan agrees looking up at Tinkletoes solemnly.
“Her bridge.” TP giggles. “Silly human.”
“Something's stuck in her teeth man.” Ray says.
“Houses don't have teeth.” Carp says.
“Maybe I should explain.” Mural Man offers.
“Go ahead.” TP giggles.
“When a house and a mural love each other very much...” Carp says.
Tinkletoes glares at Carp.
“Ray can make jokes and I can't?” Carp asks.
Tinkletoes continues glaring.
“I know, I know. Shut it.” Carp says.
“House's bridge is magical. It leads to enchanted forests, magical lands, and mythical places. It is bridge between your world and ours.”
“It's an on-ramp to Fae-rie.” TP announces.
“An on-ramp to Faerie. Cool man.” Ray says. “Can we go?”
“If it's an on-ramp then there should be nothing there. Just road.” Tinkletoes says.
“Not necessarily.” Carp says brightly. “It is Faerie.”
“TP.” Tinkletoes says, looking at the faerie. “What if a guy takes a walk on that bridge? What should he expect to find?”
“Nothing. Everything. Magical lands burst at the seams. A man would find anything that lingers in between.” TP giggles.
“He's rhym-ing.” Carp sings.
“Which means he's hiding something or expecting to see quite a show.” Tinkletoes says.
“Which one do you think it is?” The self-proclaimed mercenary asks.
“Expecting to see quite a show.” Carp says.
“I think he's hiding something.”
Dylan reaches up and pulls on Tinkletoes' pant leg. Tinkletoes squats down.
“Both.” Dylan says.
Tinkletoes looks at TP, studies the faerie closely, looks at Dylan and says. “You know what kid? I think you're right. We have two missing kittens, Dobby is gone too, and Monitor Man disappeared right before my eyes. House says that her bridge has been breached. TP thinks everything is real funny right now. I think that someone needs to go out on that bridge and take a look around.”
Sunday, July 24, 2016
“Look at all the dust...whoa.” Ray says looking up.
Tinkletoes, Monitor Man, and Carp all look up.
Tinkletoes looks at Carp, “Would you take care of that?” Tinkletoes and Monitor Man head for the bonus room leaving Carp in the living room with Ray.
Carp nods and looks at Ray. “How many cats do you find hanging off of ceiling fans?” Carp asks.
“None, so far.” Ray answers. “Those kittens are really active. They had a beach party at the litter box last week.”
“We need to find the cats!” Tinkletoes calls out.
Carp looks at Ray less than pleased with the situation. “No more ceiling fan.”
“No more ceiling fan. Don't worry. I've got this man. I'm on it because I'm stealth. Like a cat. I think...like a cat.”
Carp turns, heading for High Command and yet to be discovered kitten hidey holes.
Getting down on all fours Ray starts sniffing at the carpet. He looks at everything he encounters closely. He finds a ball. Reaching out, Ray gives the ball a quick tap making it roll a short distance, then he gives it another tap making it roll further. Ray turns as he watches the ball roll, he studies every move, wiggles his butt and chases it only to be stopped when the door of the refrigerator meets with his head.
“Oh my god...where is it?” House's voice can be heard echoing throughout the living room.
“There it is! Dust on my fan blades! Hairy dust, faerie dust and odd dragon scales. Eeeuuu!”
“It's okay sweetie.” Mural Man says, soothing her. “It's just a little dust.”
“Just a little dust?” House exclaims. “There is no such thing as a little dust!” Her voice vibrates everything in the room making chunks of dust fall from the fan blade and onto the floor. “Eeeeuu!”
Furnatche's head butts up against Ray's as he peers under the refrigerator. The “super smeller,” an extension of the baby dragon's nose has been triggered, its tendrils twirling clockwise and counterclockwise sniffing for toy balls and lost kittens.
“Duuude.” Ray says looking at Furnatche, the baby dragon in turn raises his head to look at Ray. “Your nose is too close. It tickles man.” Furnatche's tendrils retract, retreating into the dragon's nasal cavity. The baby dragon reaches out with his great tongue and licks Ray from jaw to brow line. “Thanks man, I love you too.” Ray says removing the glittery slobber that glows with enchantment from his face. He wipes it onto his pant leg leaving smear marks which pulsate with a glittering light.
Dobby hears Writer's Lady's calls from the open window. He stands by it, watching rain drip off of palm fronds, snakes slither along thick branches and monkeys pass through the rain forest in front of him. The ginger tabby is wearing fatigues including a belt equipped with knives, smoke bombs, grenades, and heavy boots. “So you think you have what it takes to protect the President.” He says, alternately flexing his front paws, nails extending and retracting.
Spots Wash looks around the hut, then at the activity outside. He tenses briefly at the sound of an elephant trumpeting in the distance.
Smudge Mal stands to his full height, looks squarely at Dobby and says, “We've got what it takes. We may be kittens. We are smaller, I'll give you that. We're young, we move fast, and our claws are like razors.” Returning to all fours he makes his way over to a Shoji screen in a far corner of the hut. He stands up and slices through the paper screen with little effort.
“A claw can't stop a bullet.” Dobby says.
“Not much can.” Smudge Mal counters.
“I can.” Dobby says.
“You know a faerie.”
“I can because I have what it takes. If Tinkletoes is right about you...you can too.”
Spots Wash comes closer, “What do you mean?” He asks.
Smudge Mal says, “Magic. He means getting on the good side of the faerie.”
Spots Wash shakes his head, “Faeries are mean. Diomedes says so.”
“He said that faeries are tricksters with a mean sense of humor.” Smudge Mal corrects. “It's something we don't need.”
“To stop bullets.” Dobby reminds Smudge Mal.
“We're Browncoats. Tinkletoes is a Browncoat. Browncoats look out for other Browncoats. We will protect the President.” Smudge Mal says.
“We're smart.” Spots Wash says. “And we've got...we've got...” Spots Wash looks at his brother and whispers, “What's that other thing we've got?”
“Grit.” Smudge Mal answers.
“Grit.” Spots Wash says. “We are the grittiest of the Gritty Browncoat Kitties. Tell that to your faerie.”
Dobby grins. “Let's get this party started then...Browncoats. Welcome to Makinuaman.” Dobby gestures to the rain forest outside. “This is middle ground. An on-ramp between Earth and Faerie. And your training ground.”
Tinkletoes and Monitor Man make a second pass through the bonus room looking in every crevice, tiny opening, and darkened corner to no avail. The kittens have disappeared along with Dobby.
“It's strange isn't it.” Monitor Man says. “How the sounds the cats make becomes a part of the heartbeat of a home. Like the refrigerator running or water moving around in the dishwasher does. Something is wrong if the sound is no longer there.”
“It's damn near deafening.” Tinkletoes agrees without looking at Monitor Man.
“Maybe we should...”
“Should what?” Tinkletoes asks. He looks around. No Monitor Man.
“I think I see a ball.” Ray says looking under the refrigerator. “Would you like to play with the ball?”
Furnatche does not respond. Ray hears a strange noise coming from his left side. Furnatche has wandered into the doorway and is facing the bonus room. Crying.
“Furnatche? Lil' dude? What's wrong?”
“Noooo!” House screams.
“Sweetie really...it's just a little dust.” Mural Man says.
“My bridge has been breached!”
“look in High Com...mand?” Monitor Man finishes his sentence in a clearing on the edge of what looks like a jungle. He wipes rain from his face hoping it has disappeared when he looks at his surroundings again. It hasn't. “Okay. What just happened?”
He hears a voice calling to him.
Monitor Man's eyes search for the source of that voice. Writer Lady is standing under a tree several feet away. She says something. He can't hear. The rain, calls of various animals and birds are drowning her out. She's gesturing to her chest with her hand. Monitor Man looks down to see a target on his shirt.
“Come on!!” She calls. He runs towards Writer Lady, into the jungle, and hopefully, some answers.
“What did you do this time?” She asks.
“You have a target on your chest and your butt says...” She turns Monitor Man around to read the back of his pants a second time,“your butt says 'Your Ass Is Mine.' What did you do?”
A lion's roar can be heard, then drums.
“Someone knows that we're out here.” Writer Lady says.
“We should keep moving.” Monitor Man responds.
They start walking. Fast.
“While we're walking, you need to think and try to remember what you did.”
Saturday, July 9, 2016
“You said it man.” Ray agrees.
Ray and Dylan high five.
“Try again.” Dylan says looking at Carp.
“I was not complete until you arrived?”
“They were fighting off ninja zombies and she's thinking that? No way man.” Ray comments.
“I think she said 'Duck'. A lot.” Dylan says.
“You weren't there. Her thoughts were racing, her heart aflutter.”
Ray makes a face. Dylan raises both hands, their tops next to each shoulder. He faces them outward and wiggles his fingers, mimicking a fluttering of wings.
“She was at risk of losing her feminine poise, at risk of going completely wild with abandon.”
Ray fans himself and Dylan pretends to faint.
“All she wanted was to keep Monitor Man safe until that fateful moment when they could be alone.”
Carp closes his eyes and puckers up. TP appears and placing a tiny hand on each of Carp's cheeks, the faerie gives the would be assassin a loud smooch on the lips leaving a tiny imprint of bright pink lipstick on Carp's mouth. The assassin looks like he has been sucking lemons. Tiny lemons. TP disappears just before Carp opens his eyes.
“Who just kissed me?” Carp asks.
“I don't know,” Ray says, “but you've got lipstick on your mouth.”
“Look for someone who's wearing lipstick.” Dylan says.
Carp looks around the room, studying everyone closely. “Ah-a! TP is wearing lipstick. That wasn't funny faerie.”
“Duude...keep looking.” Ray says.
Carp's eyes continue to pan the room. He notices that Peter is wearing lipstick, so is Paige, Aunt Purdy is too. Furnatche, Dobby, Spots and Smudge all have the bright pink goo on their mouths. Diomedes is entirely pink including his lips. When the dragon opens his great mouth, Bugsy his stomach bug is wearing pink lipstick too. Carp quietly turns around returning to his seat, taking out a handkerchief he wipes the lipstick from his mouth, a man on a mission. “As I was saying...she opened Monitor Man's letter and as she read it her cold and desolate heart warmed, fluttering to life. From the moment she saw Monitor Man she realized that none of her time on this planet had meaning until he arrived. She knew that from that moment on she existed only to take care of him. When Monitor Man was kidnapped, she immediately found him because her heart was the receiver and his gave off the GPS signal.”
“Dude..hearts with GPS?”
“Yes. I call it, 'The GPS Love Signal.' Nothing could keep Writer Lady from Monitor Man. When she discovered what happened she tracked down her man. A woman in love, merciless in her pursuit.”
“Didn't Monitor Man leave her clues? Like pie or something?” Ray asks.
“It was the scent of pie and a carefully coded message that only her heart could understand.”
“I understand pie.” Ray says.
“My stomach gets pie.” Dylan adds.
“Is this my recollection or yours?” Carp asks, sounding annoyed.
“Writer Lady scaled walls, pushed past obstacles, tearing down everything in her path.”
A crowd gathers around listening closely because...hey, this is getting exciting.
“When she busted the door down, she found Monitor Man tied up, unconscious. Barely clinging to life.”
“That's not what I heard.” Dylan says.
“Yeah. Wasn't he like...napping?”“Barely clinging to life.” Carp repeats. “She brought him back to consciousness, pulling him out of his fiery grave. As he grew stronger they gathered their resources, trained, made their plans and went into battle saving us all from death by Ninja Zombie. As they fought side by side, man and woman, heart and soul she discovered that Monitor Man was with another. He had already offered his heart to someone else. When the war was over they parted ways.
Upon returning home she fell ill. Her heart became diseased with loneliness, grief, and despair. He was her only purpose and he threw her over some tart of the month. Writer Lady was strong even at her weakest. She worked hard pulling herself from the darkest depths of her grief to heal and try to recover what was left of her heart hoping that some day Monitor Man would feel the same. After he dumped that stupid tart off the closest pier.”
“Someone has feelings of resentment.” House says.
“It is their destiny. Besides, it takes one to know one.” Carp says.
Tinkletoes and Monitor Man cross the room. They stand behind Carp and listen.
“The Ninja Zombie War was the most amazing experience of her life. Tell Monitor Man that she's spent every hour of every day since then dreaming of the moment he would return to her.”
Ray glares at Carp for a brief interval.
“And...she would gladly give him his every desire if he would always keep her with him.”
“Really?” Monitor Man says. He looks at Tinkletoes and asks, “Does that sound like Writer Lady to you?”
“Not the one that I know.” Tinkletoes responds.
“Don't buy it man.” Ray says looking at Monitor Man. “Our Writer Lady doesn't talk like that.”
“A woman in love...” Carp sings.
“A Writer Lady with a crush maybe.” Tinkletoes suggests making a face, uncertain of his words.
“Not a Writer Lady in love.” Ray finishes.
“Maybe this isn't a good time for this project.” Monitor Man says. He looks at Tinkletoes and points to Carp shaking his head, “We are running for office.”
“No you should do this.” Tinkletoes says. “We'll figure out a way to do both.”
A door can be heard opening and closing. Writer Lady enters the room carrying a stack of printed pages. She hands them to Monitor Man. “I haven't been able to sleep. Carp isn't going to give you accurate information. This is a fictionalized version of what took place that day. A rough draft anyway. This might help you write the script you were hoping for. Read it. Call me if you need anything. I will answer all of your questions.”
Monitor Man looks at the pages, the title reads, Monitor Man, A Writer Lady, and the Ninja Zombie War.
She continues. “I have no idea what you've heard from Carp but I wanted to let you know that...I did not know what you would be like in real life. When the war started and things got rough you were there with me and we got through it. You are not what I expected. Once a person is able to reconcile the reality with their preconceptions...” Writer Lady sighs. “In other words, I'm glad that I met you. You're a nice man. My life is richer for the time that we have spent together. Thank you for starting a war and thank you for coming back.”
“Thank you.” Monitor Man says, admiring his gift. “I may need you to consult.”
“I would be happy to help.” She says, smiling briefly. Writer Lady turns to go hoping to find some peace and a little sleep. Turning back around she says, “I'm sorry that I um...you know...in the dark.”
Monitor Man smiles remembering their private moment in the kitchen. “It's okay.” He says.
Writer Lady smiles and starts to leave the room. She stops and asks, “Has anyone seen the boys?”
“I did. A few minutes ago.” Carp says.
“We all did. Why?” Mural Man asks.
“Things have gotten really quiet. Too quiet.”
Dylan looks at Ray, “How can it be too quiet with all of these people here?” He asks.
“She doesn't mean, quiet quiet.” Tinkletoes says.
“She means kitten quiet.” Monitor Man says, finishing the definition.
Writer Lady nods, “No crumpled paper being mauled, no headboard banging against the bedroom wall...”
“No thumping of padded feet.” Monitor Man says.
Tinkletoes looks around, “Dobby's AWOL too.”
“They're doing stuff.” Dylan announces. He looks at Ray and says, “I get really quiet when I'm doing stuff I'm not supposed to.”
Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes.
“You have a long list of stuff that they aren't supposed to do.” Tinkletoes says.
“We'd better start looking.” She says.
Saturday, June 25, 2016
“O-kay…” Writer Lady says.
“I couldn't stop thinking about what happened. The Ninja Zombie War. It's a good story. I would like to produce it. I wrote down everything that I can remember about that day and have been trying to complete a script but something is missing. What I have isn't enough.”
Tinkletoes looks at Monitor Man.
Monitor Man continues, “Last week I realized there are blanks that I can’t fill in. A key element seems to be missing...You.” He says looking at Writer Lady. “I was writing this like it was my story. I have since realized that it wasn’t just my story. It was our story.” Finishing he smiles at Writer Lady.
The room grows silent. Writer Lady contemplates what she is hearing as she looks into the distance. Diomedes coughs, nudging her. “What?” Writer Lady asks looking at the dragon and then at Monitor Man.
“I said that I realized that the problem with my story was that you were missing from it. It needs more of your narrative. The Ninja Zombie War was an adventure that could not have taken place without you. It was our adventure and to tell the story accurately I need to hear it from your point of view.”
“My version isn’t all that different than yours.”
“I think it is.”
“No, you’re wrong.” Tinkletoes says looking at Writer Lady. “He’s right.” The self-proclaimed mercenary continues, looking at Monitor Man. “You were the middle of the story.”
“Great. That's what I need to hear about.” Monitor Man says. “The before and the after.”
“No.” Writer Lady says. She looks at Tinkletoes. “I can't believe that you're siding with him. You're supposed to be enemies.”
“Yeah, well...we're running mates and running mates stick together. 'Sides, he's the Halo guy.” Tinkletoes answers.
Writer Lady rolls her eyes.
Monitor Man studies her expression. “I’ve seen this before.” He says. “Were there feelings?” He asks.
“Yes.” Carp volunteers.
“No!” Writer Lady exclaims.
“Don't listen to her.” Carp says looking at Monitor man. “I know that there were because I encouraged them. You can thank me later.”
Monitor Man looks at Writer Lady.
“There might have been a feeling or two.” She admits. “There was a war. War is hell.”
Monitor Man smiles.
Writer Lady looks at him suspiciously.
“Now I know.” He says.
“Now you know. Now you know why I'm not sharing my point of view with you. You have my permission to tell any story you want to. Take your project and go, have fun, and leave me out of it.” Writer Lady says. Unceremoniously sitting her favorite mug on the floor. She stands up.
“Where are you going?” Tinkletoes demands.
“Back to bed.”
“This meeting isn’t over soldier.” He says sternly.
Writer Lady turns and glares at the self-proclaimed mercenary, daring him to say another word.
“Okay. I’ve got it from here.” He says. “Dismissed.”
“You're damn right I'm dismissed.” Writer Lady mutters as she leaves the room.
Minutes later, Writer Lady is doing the “Why Can't I Find A Comfortable Position?” roll in bed. She lays on one side, rolls onto her back then tries the other side to no avail, she's wide awake. There's a gentle knock on the bedroom door. “I have nothing more to say about it Halo man.” She calls out.
“That's not why I'm here.” Monitor Man whispers as he enters the room.
“You came to my room for something else?” Writer Lady asks.
“Something else.” He responds.
“Since you're already in my room I guess it doesn't hurt to hear what you have to say.”
“Good.” Monitor Man says as he sits down on the edge of her bed. “About the whole Ninja Zombie War thing...”
“You lied?” Writer Lady asks.
Monitor Man holds up two fingers slightly spread apart indicating “a little bit.” “I just wanted to tell you that I found someone else to give me their interpretation of the events that took place during the Ninja Zombie War.”
Writer Lady waits for the punch line.
“Carp? You're using Carp as a source of information?”
“He was inside your head for part of the war.” Monitor Man points out.
“Not because I wanted him there.”
“He was there.”
“So were Dobby and Tinkletoes. They weren't in my head. They saw action. How about Bob? Have you thought of asking Bob?” Writer Lady asks.
“Bob is dead.” Monitor Man reminds her. “Our worst fatality. Remember? The Ninja Zombies started eating his brains before he lost consciousness?”
“That was Bob? Well crap.”
“Carp is my second best option. Unless, you would care to...share?”
“I would not care to share.”
“Then Carp it is.”
“Scrapped this project is.” Writer Lady says. “You are not going to get anything useful out of Carp except some epic poetry about your glistening pecs and stunning hair. Oh and heavy breathing. You might get some heavy breathing.”
Monitor Man leans in and kisses her. “Sometimes heavy breathing is good.”
Writer Lady looks at him suspiciously.
“You're not sharing is not a problem.” He says. “I have Carp and a good interpreter. Everything is going work out just fine. You get some sleep and I'll see you tomorrow.”
“There's more to this.” Writer Lady says, looking at Monitor Man and studying him. “Who's your interpreter?”
“It doesn't matter. He's going to cut through all of Carp's pectoral adulations and give me the information I'm looking for.”
“He must be a really smart guy.”
“He...” Monitor Man coughs. “is very good at getting to the truth.”
“No way man.” Ray says looking at Carp. “I'm not saying that to another dude.”
“It's important to the story.” Carp says.
Dylan looks at Carp and then looks at Ray and shakes his head.
“Even the lil' guy doesn't think it's right.” Ray counters, pausing to eat a cheese puff.
“I was inside her head. I know what she was thinking.”
Ray looks at Dylan offering him a cheese puff. Dylan shakes his head,sticks his hand into the bag, retrieves a handful of cheese puffs, and shoves them into his mouth.
Carp says, “I may have added a little color to her language but the thoughts were still hers.”
Ray looks at Carp suspiciously.
“You like Writer Lady don't you?” Carp asks.
“Yeah. She's nice. She doesn't complain about my cheese puffs and makes some mean cupcakes too.”
“You want her to be happy, don't you?”
“Ye-ah.” Ray agrees.
“Then you have to say it.”
“I'm not saying that to another dude.” Ray looks at Dylan. “Carp wants me to tell Monitor Man that he has pretty hair.”
Dylan shakes his head.
“How about telling Monitor Man that the sight of his strong pectoral muscles flexing as he worked to free himself of his restraints made her weak with...” Carp stops when he realizes that he's talking to a child, “...made her feel woozy.”
Dylan shakes his head. The tow headed boy looks at Ray and says, “I hope you have another bag of cheese puffs. This is gonna take a while.”
Sunday, May 29, 2016
“The line has been discontinued, if the mug gets broken it can't be replaced.” Writer Lady argues.
TP disappears, reappearing next to Writer Lady. “It's a four dollar mug. It's not the Holy Grail.” The faerie says giggling.
“You should hear what she says to it when she thinks she's alone in the kitchen.” Tinkletoes says.
“It's a cup.” The faerie says.
“It's precious to her.” Dylan says, “My cup. My cup!” The tow headed boy coughs.
“We need to get back to what's important.” Tinkletoes says. “Making War and Presidential me making it.”
“Presidents don't go to war, Silly Human.” TP says.
“Yes, they do.” Tinkletoes argues.
“Historically,” Paige counters, rising from her spot next to her brothers, “they don't.”
“They do now.” Tinkletoes says grinning. “I have guns, knives, ammo, semi-automatics, crates full of grenades. When I'm President of the United States I am going to make all the war I want.”
Paige shakes her head. “It's against the rules.” She says.
“I'll change the stupid rules. That's what being President is all about, changing the country around to suit you.”
Paige continues shaking her head. “If you want to be President then you can't keep playing with grenades.” She says.
“No grenades?” The color slowly drains from Tinkletoes' face. “At all?”
She shakes her head.
“Not even on holidays or special occasions?”
More head shaking.
“What about when nobody's lookin'?” He asks.
More head shaking.
“What about President's Day?”
Paige confirms that he cannot do those things even on President's Day.
“When it's President's Day and I'm President?” Tinkletoes counters. “What fun is there in being President if I can't go make war with my grenades?”
“Sir?” Peter says. “Dylan and I have been learning about some of the things that the President of the United States can do because we want to help when you're elected.”
Tinkletoes nods at Peter and looks at Dylan. Paige sits back down as Peter urges his little brother to stand up. Once Dylan has stood up the room grows quiet and stays quiet.
“What's so great about being President if I can't use my grenades?” Tinkletoes asks.
“You can pardon people.” He says.
Tinkletoes makes a face. “Show me.” He says.
Ray and TP demonstrate. Ray begins walking across the room and TP flies into him.
“Pardon me.” TP says giggling.
“Pardon me.” Ray says.
“It was my fault Mr. President. Pardon me.” TP says.
“It's okay. You're free to go man.” Ray says.
“Thank you.” TP says.
TP and Ray return to their seats.
Tinkletoes shakes his head. “That's not better than grenades. What else can the President do?”
“He makes appointments.” Dylan says.
“That's what mothers are for. Next.”
“It's not that kind of appointment.” Monitor Man says.
“The President has the power to fill key positions within the Federal government including his Cabinet.” Paige explains.
“Huh?” Tinkletoes asks.
“You get to decide who works where.”
“That sounds more like it. Let's fire Congress first.” He says.
“You can't. They are elected the same as you are.” Monitor Man explains.
“I'll pick out their supervisor. TP you can be a real hard ass.”
“I can.” The faerie responds.
“He can.” Dylan pipes in.
“Our last Halo tournament was brutal.” Tinkletoes says looking at Monitor Man.
Writer Lady shakes her head and quietly sips her coffee.
“It was.” Carp adds. “Limited rations, water was the only beverage, scheduled bathroom breaks.”
“I had the stomach flu.” Ray says.
“You toughed it out.” Dylan says. “Cause 'War is Hell'.”
“War is Hell.” Ray says. “Duuuude.” He reaches over Peter's head to high five Dylan.
“I was a character in one of the Halo games.” Monitor Man says.
Everyone looks at Monitor Man, studying him.
“I remember you!” Dylan says. “I love being you!”
Monitor Man smiles.
Tinkletoes looks at Monitor Man, then at Dylan, then back at Monitor Man. “You're that guy.” He says. “Good Soldier. Good Man.”
“I remember that contest.” Diomedes says looking at Writer Lady. “Most riveting. Bugsy and I are now learning how to participate. The ways that you humans fight is completely different than the ways of magical beings...”
Tinkletoes clears his throat.
“Most riveting.” Diomedes says finishing his thought.
“I still don't know if being President is going to be more fun than my grenades.”
“You'll be in charge of the armed forces.” House's voice sings.
“All of 'em?” Tinkletoes asks.
“All of them.” She responds.
“You could play with their grenades instead of yours.” Dylan says.
Tinkletoes stands in front of the group not speaking, the wheels in his head turning, a twinkle appearing in his eyes. He looks at Monitor Man and says. “We could play a game of Halo. A real one.” Tinkletoes looks at Monitor Man, “Not a real, real one. Not all of the technology exists yet. It will when I get done.”
“How is this important?” Writer Lady asks.
“I can prove to the American people that I can keep them safe and kill all the aliens.” Tinkletoes announces proudly.
“Context...remember what we talked about.” Monitor Man whispers.
Tinkletoes clears his throat. “I can prove to the American people that I can keep them safe and kill all the Space Aliens.”
TP snaps his fingers, the television disappears, and a large dry-erase board appears behind Tinkletoes.
“Space Aliens are at the top of my list of concerns when it comes to the current state of this country.” Ray says looking at Dylan.
The little boy nods in agreement.
“That and the pending re-collapse of our economy. It's totally coming.”
Tinkletoes overhears and looks at Ray. “Ray. Destruction of all space aliens.” He says.
“You're right. We should stay with the important stuff.” He agrees.
A couple of coughs are heard coming from the direction of the couch.
“Speaking of important subjects...” Writer Lady says. “...Monitor Man has something to say.”
“I did bribe you with coffee so you would get up didn't I?” He says smiling.
“You kind of did.” Writer Lady smiles back.
Tinkletoes looks around the room, fidgeting, and waiting his turn. He pulls the cap off of the marker, puts it back on, pulls it off the of the marker...
“Grown-ups...” Dylan says.
“...can be so boring.” Ray says, finishing the sentence
“I did come all of this way to talk to you about a war. The Ninja Zombie War.”